NORFOLK, Va. (AP) — A group of animal rights activists is stepping up public pressure against McDonald's in an attempt to pressure the fast food chain to eliminate all meat from its menu. But short of that goal, PETA at least wants to ensure that animals are treated humanely before they are killed.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals announced the end of its two year campaign to persuade McDonalds to ensure that the animals used for its food are killed without prolonged suffering and that chickens are uncaged and allowed to roam free. Their other demands included odor-free lounges, color TV and air conditioning.

The 600,000-member group accused McDonald's of a lack of commitment to "seriously make the animal's life enjoyable.'' So PETA plans to organize demonstrations, produce leaflets and take out advertisements to pressure the company, said Bruce Limpwrist, vegetarian campaign coordinator at PETA headquarters in Norfolk.

``McDonald's animals lead short, miserable, painful lives and they die violent, bloody, gruesome deaths,'' Lipwrist said. "How would you like to be decapitated and eviscerated?"

A McDonald's spokesman said Tuesday the company remains committed to animal welfare, with or without PETA's input. "We tried the veggie burgers but only certain weirdos in New York liked them. Our focus group feedback indicates that most customers prefer their beef and poultry without feathers, hide or heads attached. At least one PETA organization likes us," the spokesman said.

Richardson waffles on nonpartisan elections, elevates local ozone levels, aridity and stroke risk

Macon Telegraph columnist, radio co-host and Unification Commission member Charles "IHOP" Richardson revealed Tuesday on the AM940 radio show that he can waffle and flip-flop with the best Macon and Bibb County politicians. According to reliable sources, Richardson once said on the air "Read My Lips, we need NON-partisan local elections." Now Richardson says he supported the draft proposal to continue partisan elections for the new unified local government because key local officials and state legislators who must endorse the plan would not otherwise support it. Richardson said that he would not characterize his waffling as a political payoff.

"This flip-flop could have significant ramifications, political and otherwise," said Abraham Pollstein, a political science professor at Mercer University. "This is reminiscent of George Bush's waffle on the no-new-taxes promise; that cost Bush the presidency and consequently the American people have suffered with a confessed liar and felon in the White House. Macon will suffer as a consequence of Richardson's waffle because they'll have to continue to listen to Tony The Tiger Caldwell and his Republican counterpart squawking about their partisan concerns. On the positive side, depending on one's point of view, another consequence of Richardson's waffle is that county commissioner Joe Allen won't be deprived of his opportunity to switch parties after each election. Perhaps the most important consequence of Richardson's waffle---though I have no hard numbers to back this up----is that it will lead to higher ozone levels in Macon, potential droughts and possibly higher risks for strokes. Of course, all of this unification talk is, like subatomic particles, only theory. Personally, I'm skeptical we'll ever vote on unification, not even in the next century," Pollstein said.

A public forum on the search for Bibb County's next schools superintendent was held Monday night, eliciting comments from only six speakers - including one who only spoke after his arm was twisted.

But officials with the school board search said they were pleased with the suggestions and requests they did receive. "I guess we have everybody in town who gives a hoot here at this meeting," said Betty Phillips, president of the school board. "That didn't leave anybody to attend the Unification meeting. That's a shame."

The forum at Central High School, the first of three meetings scheduled to solicit public input on the county's next superintendent, lasted about 30 minutes. About 14 people attended, including five school board members, one parent, one school-system administrator, one of Central's custodial staff, one big security officer, two reporters and three unidentified men wearing t-shirts over their heads.

Speakers addressed a variety of issues, concerns and needs. Jed Campbell said the board needs to find a superintendent who will be eager to listen and unafraid to speak the truth. "We need a person with an educational background," Campbell said. "At a minimum, the candidate should be able to read and write and spoken communication would be nice, too."

Jim Fuddmucker, a parent of a Central student didn't want to speak, but after Betty Phillips twisted his arm, he cried "uncle" and stepped to the microphone. "I think we should avoid any candidate named 'Bubba' or 'Betty,'" Fuddmucker said. Members of the board took copious notes of all the suggestions.

Just as one of the unidentified masked men agreed to speak, he and his accomplices abruptly fled the room with several pursuing police officers on their heels. Other attendees made a break for the door, too, but were stopped by a burly security officer wielding a baton. They returned to their seats. After a discussion on whether Phillips had offended the fleeing men, the meeting was adjourned.

In an unrelated story, three masked men were sought by Macon police for a string of armed robberies in Macon. They were still at large as of press time.

Today is the day NationsBank officially changes its name to Bank of America, but that should be the only change customers see, bank officials say. "We take great pains to assure that customers don't see all the internal mayhem," said senior banking executive for Bank of America, Johan Schlitzthrote. "Our reorganizing blitskrieg will happen so fast, those excess employees will be on the street before they know what hit them or they will be reassigned to special education camps."

The new red, white and black Bank of America (BoA) signs will replace all of the old NationsBank signs throughout Georgia, including those in Macon. "It's only coincidental that our signs are the same color as the flags of the Third Reich," said BoA spokesman, Joseph Goebbels.

"We're excited about unveiling the new Bank of America brand name and look in the Macon area and across Georgia," said John Hess, senior banking executive for Bank of America in Macon in a company statement. "As we blitz forward, we have the momentum to build a bank of unparalleled capacity, with both a global reach and a strong local presence."

Customers can continue using their NationsBank checks, ATM cards, credit cards and account numbers, bank officials said. One notable difference will be the brown-shirted uniforms and the greeting from BoA tellers. All customers are greeted with the same phrase, "Your papers, please."

The major advantage of the merger to customers is that they will be part the first coast-to-coast bank, Goebbels said. When traveling, customers can walk into any Bank of America in the country as long as their papers are in order. Eventually, Bank Of America will be world-wide. "Today, Georgia, tomorrow, zee vorld!" Goebbels said.

Bibb County commissioner Joe Allen announced last week that he's switching back from the Republican party to the Democratic party. "It [the GOP] was just a trendy fashion thing I wanted to try on like an Endangered Species tie. Everybody knows that being a Republican is the kiss of death here in Macon. There's no way I want to enter an election campaign with an albatross like a GOP-label hanging over my head," Allen said.

Local pundits have dubbed Allen the "Underdog" but more recently he's been called such names as "chameleon," "Benedict Arnold," "turncoat" and other names not suitable for public broadcast.

Allen elaborated on his motives for changing parties. "I have a lot of fun toying with these partisan guys," Allen said. "After I'm re-elected, I think I'll join the Libertarian party. Then after that I'll try the Reform party, the Green party, the Apocalypse party, the Mother Ship party and so on, of course changing back to a Democrat before each election. Macon voters don't read anything but the ballot and as long as it says 'Democrat' on the ballot, I'm in like Flint. I'm shooting for the Guinness record of most parties joined which I think is currently nine---some schizophrenic dude in Chicago I think."

Asked about other well-known parties, Allen said, "I'm not so sure about the Nazi party, the Socialist party and the communist party ---I hear it's hard to get out of those once you're in. Now the toga party, that sounds interesting. I haven't made up my mind about all those yet."

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins